There is a wonderful song called "Honest Questions" by Daniel Bedingfield. The lyrics move me to tears almost every time I listen to it. The opening lyric is beautiful in and of itself, "Can you see the honest questions in my heart this hour, opening like a flower to the rain?"
This line often finds itself a home in my mind, repeating over and over as I struggle to quiet my psyche. Last night it came to me as I laid awake in bed at 3 am, counting down the moments until I would have to get up and start my day. It has a meditative quality- as it sings itself inside my head, I feel the questioning words being offered up as a prayer to the Universe, "and do you know the silent sorrows of a never ending journey, through the pain?".
My husband and I are hoping to start a family, and I found out about a week ago that the fertility issues I have just blossomed into a larger obstacle than we expected. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and in addition, it turns out that my body, my ovaries specifically, aren't producing any eggs to be fertilized. The first round of drugs didn't cause me to ovulate, which means my statistic chances of getting pregnant just shrunk. There is still a possibility that different drugs or stronger doses will help my body produce eggs to be fertilized, and my husband and I are not by any means giving up. It is important however to be honest with myself. And to take a good hard look at how I've been living.
It is very easy you see, to tell yourself that you will be happy "when". When I get a better job. When I loose 20 pounds. When I marry a great person. When I become a mother. I feel that it is so imperative to love yourself and be content right where you are- in each moment. This doesn't mean one should ignore growing opportunities or not have goals, hopes and dreams.
This circumstance that I am in...wanting desperately nothing else so much as to be a mom...it has me asking an honest question. If I am not to be a mother, who will I be? Ever since I was a little girl, when I thought about being a grown woman it was inside the parameters of being a mom. If I cannot be happy until I am one- that is no kind of life.
Who will I be? I will be a friend, daughter, wife, musician and a dreamer. And someday, I hope I will be a mother. I will type through the blurry haze of fresh tears and not stop hoping, believing and being grateful.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
People Un-Pleasing
Hi. My name is Sally, and I am a people-pleaser. I was five years old the first time I remember doing something that I didn't want to do because I knew it would make someone else happy. I wanted people to be smiling, giving me hugs and not being sad or angry. Somehow in that moment, I learned what I thought was the truth...that I was in control of making other people feel good.
As I grew, this idea (that I thought was the truth) took me over. I lived to make the people around me joyous, while inside myself I was tortured by feelings of unworthiness, fueled by negative self talk. I hated pictures of myself, I just knew I wasn't as smart as my classmates, I couldn't imagine someone being attracted to me and the only thing that brought me comfort and a feeling of being valuable was when I sacrificed for someone else, especially if that meant I was helping them to be "happy".
This aspect of my personality worked like a magnet attracting people who needed to be cared for. Throughout my history of friendships, since I was very young, there have always been dear souls who needed help. Sometimes that "help" was in the form of money or listening ear; sometimes it was being someone to hurt or shout at, or just being available 24/7. Now before I go further with this, I want to be very clear that a good and important part of being a friend is doing some of those things that I listed above. It is unhealthy however, if you only feel valuable when you are doing something for someone else. My unhealthy obsession with pleasing others, my addiction, is what fueled my sadness and locked me in a prison of my own making.
I describe myself these days as a "recovering people pleaser". I still love to be a part of bringing a smile to someone's face, but it no longer controls my ability to be happy and at peace with myself. I am able to say "no" without feeling guilty (most of the time). I am able to be myself and for the first time in my adult life, truly feel valuable. I can look in the mirror and say, "you're awesome", and I actually believe it. I think that people are lucky to be in my life, because I am pretty great. And when times get tough and the going gets rough, when it feels like the plane might be going down, I put my own oxygen mask on so that I can help other passengers find their masks.
Living in recovery of my addiction to pleasing people is really hard sometimes. I may have lost a great friend because I have made them unhappy. It is an awful feeling to know that you made someone feel crappy. After analyzing the things I did that hurt my friend, I have found I am unwilling to change these habits of self care that I have so recently acquired. Unfortunately, these habits can be interpreted as not caring about them, or not trying hard enough to uphold my side of the friendship. It is, without a doubt, one of the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking things I have ever gone through. Especially knowing that nothing is ever one-sided, and taking responsibility for my half of the issues.
So how do I stay in recovery and live today? I cope by being absolutely (sometimes selfishly) honest. I cope by avoiding high-risk situations. I cope by learning to relax and let go. As suggested by don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements", I cope by not taking anything personally and being impeccable with my word, not making assumptions and always doing my best. I cope by trusting in the beautiful power of the Universe. I cope with love. No matter what other variables there are in any given situation, I can always choose love.
As I grew, this idea (that I thought was the truth) took me over. I lived to make the people around me joyous, while inside myself I was tortured by feelings of unworthiness, fueled by negative self talk. I hated pictures of myself, I just knew I wasn't as smart as my classmates, I couldn't imagine someone being attracted to me and the only thing that brought me comfort and a feeling of being valuable was when I sacrificed for someone else, especially if that meant I was helping them to be "happy".
This aspect of my personality worked like a magnet attracting people who needed to be cared for. Throughout my history of friendships, since I was very young, there have always been dear souls who needed help. Sometimes that "help" was in the form of money or listening ear; sometimes it was being someone to hurt or shout at, or just being available 24/7. Now before I go further with this, I want to be very clear that a good and important part of being a friend is doing some of those things that I listed above. It is unhealthy however, if you only feel valuable when you are doing something for someone else. My unhealthy obsession with pleasing others, my addiction, is what fueled my sadness and locked me in a prison of my own making.
I describe myself these days as a "recovering people pleaser". I still love to be a part of bringing a smile to someone's face, but it no longer controls my ability to be happy and at peace with myself. I am able to say "no" without feeling guilty (most of the time). I am able to be myself and for the first time in my adult life, truly feel valuable. I can look in the mirror and say, "you're awesome", and I actually believe it. I think that people are lucky to be in my life, because I am pretty great. And when times get tough and the going gets rough, when it feels like the plane might be going down, I put my own oxygen mask on so that I can help other passengers find their masks.
Living in recovery of my addiction to pleasing people is really hard sometimes. I may have lost a great friend because I have made them unhappy. It is an awful feeling to know that you made someone feel crappy. After analyzing the things I did that hurt my friend, I have found I am unwilling to change these habits of self care that I have so recently acquired. Unfortunately, these habits can be interpreted as not caring about them, or not trying hard enough to uphold my side of the friendship. It is, without a doubt, one of the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking things I have ever gone through. Especially knowing that nothing is ever one-sided, and taking responsibility for my half of the issues.
So how do I stay in recovery and live today? I cope by being absolutely (sometimes selfishly) honest. I cope by avoiding high-risk situations. I cope by learning to relax and let go. As suggested by don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements", I cope by not taking anything personally and being impeccable with my word, not making assumptions and always doing my best. I cope by trusting in the beautiful power of the Universe. I cope with love. No matter what other variables there are in any given situation, I can always choose love.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Smoothie of Life
Unlike some fortunate people (my amazing mother among them) I do not like vegetables. I will eat them for their benefit to my health, and yes, there are times I even enjoy some vegetables. However, as a general rule, I do not "like" them. Unless of course they are a starchy, simple carbohydrate like potatoes. I love the heck outta some potatoes.
As part of my New Year's Mantra, "I live today", I am refocusing my efforts on fueling my body with premium fuel. How can I expect a premium performance from myself if I'm fueling my body with processed stuff it can't use? Our bodies are simply amazing, aren't they? And to keep them running strong they need vitamins, minerals and enrichment from foods like fruit, fish, grass-fed beef and...those dreaded vegetables.
In order to jump-start my day and get some of the vegetable intake out of the way I've been enjoying smoothies for breakfast. I have been having a lot of fun actually, seeing how many vegetables I can hide in my smoothie! Yesterday I had 1/3 cup of each of the following: spinach, kale, chard, fresh cranberries, frozen blueberries, almond milk and 100% pineapple juice. It was delicious! It looked like baby poop, but it tasted great!
Vegetables in my smoothie have made me think about the control I have over my attitude. Let's imagine that there is a kitchen of each day, and that the vegetables in my smoothie are things that I do not prefer to have happen- stuff like a tough day at work, bad weather, a customer who yells at me, etc...then imagine that I have access to the yummy smoothie ingredients and they are moments like smiling at a stranger, being grateful for my family and not taking anything personally. The overall smoothie, what I have to collectively "drink" has vegetables that I don't like in it, but the ingredients I added make it delicious! I can fully enjoy my life, even on days heavy with "vegetables"!
It's not always easy. Sometimes the amount of kale and spinach that I have in my smoothie isn't quite covered by the strawberries and bananas. But you know what? That smoothie is still darn good for me. And tough days, while not necessarily enjoyable, are good for me, too. They provide shadow to light and help me to reach great moments of joy.
Today (because I live today), may your smoothies be delicious and nutritious, my friends.
As part of my New Year's Mantra, "I live today", I am refocusing my efforts on fueling my body with premium fuel. How can I expect a premium performance from myself if I'm fueling my body with processed stuff it can't use? Our bodies are simply amazing, aren't they? And to keep them running strong they need vitamins, minerals and enrichment from foods like fruit, fish, grass-fed beef and...those dreaded vegetables.
In order to jump-start my day and get some of the vegetable intake out of the way I've been enjoying smoothies for breakfast. I have been having a lot of fun actually, seeing how many vegetables I can hide in my smoothie! Yesterday I had 1/3 cup of each of the following: spinach, kale, chard, fresh cranberries, frozen blueberries, almond milk and 100% pineapple juice. It was delicious! It looked like baby poop, but it tasted great!
Vegetables in my smoothie have made me think about the control I have over my attitude. Let's imagine that there is a kitchen of each day, and that the vegetables in my smoothie are things that I do not prefer to have happen- stuff like a tough day at work, bad weather, a customer who yells at me, etc...then imagine that I have access to the yummy smoothie ingredients and they are moments like smiling at a stranger, being grateful for my family and not taking anything personally. The overall smoothie, what I have to collectively "drink" has vegetables that I don't like in it, but the ingredients I added make it delicious! I can fully enjoy my life, even on days heavy with "vegetables"!
It's not always easy. Sometimes the amount of kale and spinach that I have in my smoothie isn't quite covered by the strawberries and bananas. But you know what? That smoothie is still darn good for me. And tough days, while not necessarily enjoyable, are good for me, too. They provide shadow to light and help me to reach great moments of joy.
Today (because I live today), may your smoothies be delicious and nutritious, my friends.
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