Hi. My name is Sally, and I am a people-pleaser. I was five years old the first time I remember doing something that I didn't want to do because I knew it would make someone else happy. I wanted people to be smiling, giving me hugs and not being sad or angry. Somehow in that moment, I learned what I thought was the truth...that I was in control of making other people feel good.
As I grew, this idea (that I thought was the truth) took me over. I lived to make the people around me joyous, while inside myself I was tortured by feelings of unworthiness, fueled by negative self talk. I hated pictures of myself, I just knew I wasn't as smart as my classmates, I couldn't imagine someone being attracted to me and the only thing that brought me comfort and a feeling of being valuable was when I sacrificed for someone else, especially if that meant I was helping them to be "happy".
This aspect of my personality worked like a magnet attracting people who needed to be cared for. Throughout my history of friendships, since I was very young, there have always been dear souls who needed help. Sometimes that "help" was in the form of money or listening ear; sometimes it was being someone to hurt or shout at, or just being available 24/7. Now before I go further with this, I want to be very clear that a good and important part of being a friend is doing some of those things that I listed above. It is unhealthy however, if you only feel valuable when you are doing something for someone else. My unhealthy obsession with pleasing others, my addiction, is what fueled my sadness and locked me in a prison of my own making.
I describe myself these days as a "recovering people pleaser". I still love to be a part of bringing a smile to someone's face, but it no longer controls my ability to be happy and at peace with myself. I am able to say "no" without feeling guilty (most of the time). I am able to be myself and for the first time in my adult life, truly feel valuable. I can look in the mirror and say, "you're awesome", and I actually believe it. I think that people are lucky to be in my life, because I am pretty great. And when times get tough and the going gets rough, when it feels like the plane might be going down, I put my own oxygen mask on so that I can help other passengers find their masks.
Living in recovery of my addiction to pleasing people is really hard sometimes. I may have lost a great friend because I have made them unhappy. It is an awful feeling to know that you made someone feel crappy. After analyzing the things I did that hurt my friend, I have found I am unwilling to change these habits of self care that I have so recently acquired. Unfortunately, these habits can be interpreted as not caring about them, or not trying hard enough to uphold my side of the friendship. It is, without a doubt, one of the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking things I have ever gone through. Especially knowing that nothing is ever one-sided, and taking responsibility for my half of the issues.
So how do I stay in recovery and live today? I cope by being absolutely (sometimes selfishly) honest. I cope by avoiding high-risk situations. I cope by learning to relax and let go. As suggested by don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements", I cope by not taking anything personally and being impeccable with my word, not making assumptions and always doing my best. I cope by trusting in the beautiful power of the Universe. I cope with love. No matter what other variables there are in any given situation, I can always choose love.
No comments:
Post a Comment