People Un-Pleasing

Hi. My name is Sally, and I am a people-pleaser. I was five years old the first time I remember doing something that I didn't want to do because I knew it would make someone else happy. I wanted people to be smiling, giving me hugs and not being sad or angry. Somehow in that moment, I learned what I thought was the truth...that I was in control of making other people feel good.

As I grew, this idea (that I thought was the truth) took me over. I lived to make the people around me joyous, while inside myself I was tortured by feelings of unworthiness, fueled by negative self talk. I hated pictures of myself, I just knew I wasn't as smart as my classmates, I couldn't imagine someone being attracted to me and the only thing that brought me comfort and a feeling of being valuable was when I sacrificed for someone else, especially if that meant I was helping them to be "happy".

This aspect of my personality worked like a magnet attracting people who needed to be cared for. Throughout my history of friendships, since I was very young, there have always been dear souls who needed help. Sometimes that "help" was in the form of money or listening ear; sometimes it was being someone to hurt or shout at, or just being available 24/7. Now before I go further with this, I want to be very clear that a good and important part of being a friend is doing some of those things that I listed above. It is unhealthy however, if you only feel valuable when you are doing something for someone else. My unhealthy obsession with pleasing others, my addiction, is what fueled my sadness and locked me in a prison of my own making. 

I describe myself these days as a "recovering people pleaser". I still love to be a part of bringing a smile to someone's face, but it no longer controls my ability to be happy and at peace with myself. I am able to say "no" without feeling guilty (most of the time). I am able to be myself and for the first time in my adult life, truly feel valuable. I can look in the mirror and say, "you're awesome", and I actually believe it. I think that people are lucky to be in my life, because I am pretty great. And when times get tough and the going gets rough, when it feels like the plane might be going down, I put my own oxygen mask on so that I can help other passengers find their masks.

Living in recovery of my addiction to pleasing people is really hard sometimes. I may have lost a great friend because I have made them unhappy. It is an awful feeling to know that you made someone feel crappy. After analyzing the things I did that hurt my friend, I have found I am unwilling to change these habits of self care that I have so recently acquired. Unfortunately, these habits can be interpreted as not caring about them, or not trying hard enough to uphold my side of the friendship. It is, without a doubt, one of the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking things I have ever gone through. Especially knowing that nothing is ever one-sided, and taking responsibility for my half of the issues.

So how do I stay in recovery and live today? I cope by being absolutely (sometimes selfishly) honest. I cope by avoiding high-risk situations. I cope by learning to relax and let go. As suggested by don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements", I cope by not taking anything personally and being impeccable with my word, not making assumptions and always doing my best. I cope by trusting in the beautiful power of the Universe. I cope with love. No matter what other variables there are in any given situation, I can always choose love.

The Smoothie of Life

Unlike some fortunate people (my amazing mother among them) I do not like vegetables. I will eat them for their benefit to my health, and yes, there are times I even enjoy some vegetables. However, as a general rule, I do not "like" them. Unless of course they are a starchy, simple carbohydrate like potatoes. I love the heck outta some potatoes.

As part of my New Year's Mantra, "I live today", I am refocusing my efforts on fueling my body with premium fuel. How can I expect a premium performance from myself if I'm fueling my body with processed stuff it can't use? Our bodies are simply amazing, aren't they? And to keep them running strong they need vitamins, minerals and enrichment from foods like fruit, fish, grass-fed beef and...those dreaded vegetables.

In order to jump-start my day and get some of the vegetable intake out of the way I've been enjoying smoothies for breakfast. I have been having a lot of fun actually, seeing how many vegetables I can hide in my smoothie! Yesterday I had 1/3 cup of each of the following: spinach, kale, chard, fresh cranberries, frozen blueberries, almond milk and 100% pineapple juice. It was delicious! It looked like baby poop, but it tasted great!

Vegetables in my smoothie have made me think about the control I have over my attitude. Let's imagine that there is a kitchen of each day, and that the vegetables in my smoothie are things that I do not prefer to have happen- stuff like a tough day at work, bad weather, a customer who yells at me, etc...then imagine that I have access to the yummy smoothie ingredients and they are moments like smiling at a stranger, being grateful for my family and not taking anything personally. The overall smoothie, what I have to collectively "drink" has vegetables that I don't like in it, but the ingredients I added make it delicious! I can fully enjoy my life, even on days heavy with "vegetables"!

It's not always easy. Sometimes the amount of kale and spinach that I have in my smoothie isn't quite covered by the strawberries and bananas. But you know what? That smoothie is still darn good for me. And tough days, while not necessarily enjoyable, are good for me, too. They provide shadow to light and help me to reach great moments of joy. 

Today (because I live today), may your smoothies be delicious and nutritious, my friends.