Our Dis-ease

A few days ago I was chatting with a friend as she whipped up a delightful lunch in her kitchen. We began talking about challenges in our lives, and I mentioned my "dis-ease that wants to kill me". She paused and asked what I meant. My response went something like this.

We all have a dis-ease inside of us. An unease. A part of us that fuels self-sabotage, over-indulgence, addiction, self-pity, dishonesty, and any number of other unsavory character defects. It's the voice I hear inside my head that tells me things would be so much easier if I had a drink (or twelve). Your dis-ease is the voice in your head that tells you you aren't loved. That you aren't enough. That you should stuff yourself when you aren't even hungry. It's the voice that tells you there are ways to escape how you feel. That you'll never be who you want to be. That you can't succeed. That no one likes you. That a talent you have isn't admirable. That you can't be happy until you lose 10 pounds. That you can only be content if everyone around you is happy. You know this voice. And yeah, not to sound dramatic, but it wants you dead.

So how do we keep our dis-ease in check, and stay afloat on the stormy seas of life? I believe that the key to survival, contentedness, and happiness, lies in each moment that we are fully present. Some folks call this mindfulness. An honest accounting of our emotions as they are happening allows us to stay in balance. If we are busy worrying about what has already happened or what may happen in the future, we are letting our dis-ease rule the moment we are in.

Staying present in each moment also requires that you are being honest with yourself. Instead of worrying how something may feel in the future, or interpreting how you felt in the past, you can recognize each emotion as they are born. This is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS better. You can make a choice about how to handle these budding emotions. You can feed joy, helping it burst into bloom. You can dig into grief and sadness, pinpointing the root (source) of these feelings. Understanding emotion is very powerful. It takes the mask off the character, and let's you see the face beneath is actually yours. While we're on the subject, let's take away positive and negative descriptors from our emotions. When you are sad, angry, or depressed, that isn't "bad". When you are peaceful, happy, or excited, that isn't "good". The way you feel is simply that- the way you feel. And you should allow yourself to feel all emotions. Don't stifle the ones that make you uncomfortable. Taking steps to decipher why you experience emotions (and how they change you), is the foundation of freedom from being tossed about like a leaf in the wind. And y'all, this tossed-about-victim mentality takes away your  responsibility over yourself, your actions, and your life.

Please don't think that I am saying terrible things don't happen. Awful things do happen. Sometimes we did something to cause them, but many times we did not. There are things that we go through that we have no power over. What I want to impress on you, reader, is that in many cases, you may retain the power of choice about how you feel.

Controversial thought alert!! You have a choice about being angry, happy, sad, annoyed, or at peace. Now, there are chemicals in our brains that can mess with this power, I fully acknowledge that. I believe with every ounce of my being, that the medications I have taken for severe chronic depression are often necessary, helpful tools. But you know what other SUPER powerful tool you're carrying around with you? Choice. Will-power. The decision to be willing to WORK at being the best version of yourself instead of complacent resignation. Sometimes, I find myself resenting that I have this power. It's easy to blame circumstance (things that "happen to us"), for how we feel. I want to be able to be my best self without working so damn hard! However, my experience has shown this to be impossible. Guess what? I'm happier, more productive, and increasingly prone to joy, when I am actively working on becoming who I want to be by staying in each moment.

We can let go of the past. It has no power over us. We can set aside our worry of the future. It has yet to be. Live now. Find some power greater than yourself- the ocean, God, HaShem, Krishna, Allah, a growing thing, the Spirit of the Universe, the feeling of love you have for your dear ones, the Holy Spirit, the moon, Jesus, the four-directions, a breeze across your skin- a something greater than you. And then you ask to be guided by this something that is more than you. Guided to what this something would have you be. You don't have to understand it. You don't even have to believe in it! Crazy, I know.

This is our power over the dis-ease inside us. The belief that you have a choice to work for the life inside each seed that falls to the earth. And you know what? Some of the prettiest flowers grow in fertilizer! You have a garden inside of you, and the watering can is always full.